i miss beijing.the busy streets, the various cafes i sat in for hours at a time just reading and writing about nothing, the constant state of flux, the shao bing for breakfast(一个甜的，一个咸的, 一个豆浆), and the friendly 老太婆 who would always ask me, 吃过了吗?
the history, the modernity, the freedom to explore and the pseudo-freedom as we maneuvered around a state-controlled media, the complexity of the society, and the simplicity of my life there.
though the smog in beijing was awful, i feel i'm more suffocated here by an air of stagnancy. is it because everyone is so separate, each mass-produced copy demarcated by one grassy knoll and well-trimmed bush? each one shopping for the same sweater from the same store, striving for the same mundane lifestyle, buying the same mid-day latte and driving the same stuffy car? though i'm busy as ever, i am bored and it feels lonely. everyone feels so disconnected here, falsely convinced that buying and striving for the same useless things somehow threads people into a fake but allaying social fabric.
i sense it in my parents and i want them to go back to taiwan one day. there is more community there just being with family members and walking alongside so many people on the streets than can be provided here with the endless slew of potlucks and dinner parties.
is it just culture shock? but i've always been astounded by the hum-drum and loll here. people say it's so much more comfortable here, but comfortable at the expense of what--giving up on living and selling your soul to target & starbucks?
ha, i'm so disgruntled. only 26 and already a cranky old lady !
ah, i suppose to each her own. i guess this is just not for me.
i read a book about argentina today. i'm ready to take the tango lessons, sit at the parisian cafes, do some drawing in the parks, practicar mi espanol, visit the southernmost city in the world (ushuaia !) and patagonia glaciers (wow, i dun believe !)...ah yes, and do that medical research on c-sections. :)
but, at the end of the day, i can't quite leave china behind. i'm holding on in every way i can--devouring every book i see at the bookstore, slowly but surely reading literature in chinese and planning some projects that may creatively (or impossibly) combine china & argentina.
i hope my family & friends will come with me to china. i don't wanna leave them behind.
ah, the fundamental flaw in my personality: i want it all--to live there, have my family and friends nearby, have that career i can dedicate myself to and the stable family too, to do the good works, endlessly pursuing a call for justice, and have an amazing and fulfilling life where at the end of my days, God will say, "nancy, with you i am well pleased."
hm. that doesn't seem like too much to ask for...does it?
haha.
2 comments:
Preach, Nancy. This post totally resonates with me. That is why I live in New York and not in the suburbs in Texas... and yet still, New York can be isolating because it's so individualistic and materialistic. People still live in their own little boxes (and then buy tiny little dogs to allay their loneliness). Perhaps when we have the emphasis on family and community life that places like China have, New York will gradually morph from a checkered fabric into a lovely mosaic.
Meanwhile, Ushuaia is amazing and hiking Perito Moreno (the glacier in Calafate, on the western border with Chile) was truly awesome. I highly recommend both. You are going to love Argentina. And perhaps I’ll come visit you sometime – I’ve been missing it since I left. :)
i feel ya, nancy. at least about what you said about (1) culture shock and community/individualism and (2) being greedy (wanting it all).
haha, selling your soul to target and starbucks (hey, china isn't too far off). btw, their 'pike's place' blend is off the hook.
and btw, thanks for making fun when you heard i had a blog (i believe you said something to the point of 'oh, i had a blog once when i was immature like you') and then making a blog ostensibly about argentina a few months after. and props for putting poetry in here.
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